Obama's Cabinet

I made the mistake this morning of watching the Today Show. Not a good place for a supporter of conservative principles to spend his time. In any case, I watched as they did an "analysis" of the campaigns. The time dedicated to McCain was mostly to show how out-of-touch he is with the American people, and the time for Obama was to show how he's responding to McCain's out-of-touch campaign. They had the split-screen with a McCain staffer and an Obama staffer. The Obama staffer got time to explain how bad McCain is, and the McCain staffer had to spend her time fielding questions along the lines of "Do you really think this McCain campaign strategy is what the American people want to hear?" Yes, the mainstream media do such a great job of being unbiased.

But I've been thinking about Obama's cabinet, since the media are so assured he's going to win. So who would he have in his employ as President? Here are some ideas:

Secretary of State: John Bon Jovi. John has toured Europe and belted out power chords to screaming fans, which gives him exactly the same foreign policy experience as Obama. Not counting the musical talent.

Secretary of the Treasury: Barney Frank. Congressman Frank has done an excellent job overseeing the likes of Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac, so don't you think he'd be ideal to keep the Treasury working right? (Honorable mention for this post is the late Richard Pryor, whose experience in Brewster's Millions of blowing a fortune he didn't earn and having nothing to show for it made him a no-brainer for Obama's cabinet.)

Secretary of Defense: John Kerry. Who better to see to the day-to-day operations of our Genghis Khan-inspired military operations?

Attorney General: Edward M. Bernstein. For those who don't know Ed, he's a personal injury attorney, a TV talk show host, and a former Democratic candidate for US Senate here in Nevada. As an attorney, Bernstein has won many settlements, but rarely, if ever, set foot in a courtroom.

Secretary of the Interior: Michael Vick. The former (and possibly future) quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is an ideal pick for the top range manager in the country. As everyone knows, good range management means effective thinning of the herds.

Secretary of Agriculture: this position will be eliminated, since the Obama Administration will see to it that all farming capacity is used for corn ethanol production, which would fall under Energy.

Secretary of Commerce: this position will also be eliminated, as the free market as we know it is obsolete and out-of-touch with the world economy. It will be replaced with a Secretary of Nationalized Industry, Vladimir Putin.

Secretary of Labor: Gary Coleman. The diminutive child actor will bring about the type of reform needed to ensure that no child actor is left behind in the workforce. His ideas of asking people to donate money so child stars don't have to work were sheer genius.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Jose Canseco. The retired baseball player and author of Juiced will put an end to the scourge of steroids. Or maybe he'll say it's necessary to stay competitive - I really can't tell what he's preaching. But the unrighteous indignation will fit nicely.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Chris Rock. Rock's description of growing up in a bad neighborhood from Lethal Weapon 4 was compelling. Maybe Danny Glover and Mel Gibson will be part of his staff as well.

Secretary of Transportation: Dean Kamen. The inventor of the Segway revolutionized transportation to the point that in some parts of the country, they don't even walk anymore. Imagine public transportation where a bus full of people needs only to lean forward to get to the next stop.

Secretary of Energy: Al Gore. Gore has been looking for opportunities to talk about global warming, carbon footprint, and the impending disasters untold if too many Americans live the life he currently lives.

Secretary of Education: Britney Spears. School choice may not be on the table, but Britney's new line of school uniforms will revolutionize the educational system in this country. Plus, she'll have the attention of every student as she shares her views on sex, drugs, and reduced lunch tickets.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Cindy Sheehan. Cindy's relentless support of her late son's memory qualifies her to look after veterans. Her sentiments that "This country is not worth dying for" seem to line up with the Obama platform.

Homeland Security Chief: William Ayers. I can think of no one better to run our domestic war on terror than a confessed domestic terrorist. His sage advice not only has helped to form Barack Obama's views, but also thousands of students who have passed through his classroom.

White House Chief of Staff: Jeremiah Wright. Reverend Wright will set the tone for the Administration. He's very comfortable with the press, he believes the resources of America have been turned against the black man, and he can sidestep any gaffes with a chorus of "God Damn America".

White House Communications Director: Bill Burkett. The man behind the fraudulent reports on George W. Bush's service record in 2004 will be well qualified to produce evidence to back any claim he makes.

Please feel free to write in with suggestions to modify this list. We also need to find someone to run the EPA, the Office of National Drug Control Policy, the Office of Management and Budget, the Federal Reserve, etc.